On Christian Influencer Culture, Femininity, and Catholic Feminism: Letter for The Catholic Woman
Me at 16
I internalized the message that charm, mystery, and carefreeness were the markers of authentic womanhood that would ultimately lead to feminine fulfillment – markers which I constantly failed to live up to, with my inability to keep my mouth shut and my social anxiety, though I certainly had tried. But I truly believed that the obtainment of these ends would lead me to a life of prosperity and glory. I would become a woman who could attract those who were lost and lead them back to Christ, by virtue of my beauty and successes. So throughout my teenage years, despite experiencing extreme stress at times while being on stage, I chose to be on the stage, leading worship at my youth group, performing as a musician at local coffee shops, and speaking in front of crowds as an MC for a concert venue. I ultimately felt like this was a part of the fulfillment of my call as a Christian woman.
Because I internalized the message told by those well praised, male Evangelical leaders that fulfilled femininity is merely a matter of marketability particularly to the male sex, and because I conflated my womanhood with unachievable ends, I absolutely resented being a woman.
